Updates from Reagan & Mommy 8/14

I did it!! This morning I weigh 1 POUND .5oz
.... someone throw me a party because my name is Reagan and I am AWESOME!

I am also starting to peek! My nurse, Jo, said that this morning I was peeking at her with my right eye :) I've not yet let Mommy and Daddy see it, but maybe I'm just waiting for the right time <3

Dr. McElroy didn't change much today. They are now fortifying Mom's breast milk before I get my feedings to add more calories. This should help me continue to grow without overloading me on the amount I'm getting. We also started talking about steroids for my little lungs but the doctors would like to wait until I get a little bit bigger, stronger, and older to give me those.

Thoughts from Mom:

Today's post is inspired by an amazing man, I am so lucky to have married someone who is my best friend, can be so strong when I can't, and who always seems to knows EXACTLY what I need to hear when things are rough. (well almost always, he's still a man after all :)

The overall feeling from rounds today was less positive than usual. Maybe it was just the morning, or the tone of the doctors' voices, but it just felt less encouraging today... Or just maybe it was the words (and the context didn't matter as soon as they were said) "unless I think she is going to die without... but we're not there yet"... die? yet? Why in the hell did he have to say that!?

Don't get me wrong, Matt and I are NOT stupid (or at least as stupid as we look :) we've known all along that the reality is Reagan has a lot of odds to overcome. We've discussed it, we know what she is up against, what we're all up against; but to hear the words, right from the doctors made the air feel heavy and suffocating. Now, I don't know if Reagan's condition is actually any worse today than it has been, I think maybe some days reality just hits a little harder than others.

By the time Matt had to leave, I think we were both feeling a little... overwhelmed and more down than usual. Its hard to look at her everyday and believe that there could be anything wrong with this perfect, tiny, little person. She is SO BEAUTIFUL... and I'm REALLY not just saying that because she is our kid (really Im not). The pictures do nothing for her, you honestly have to see her to get the full picture, she is just awe inspiring and adorable. (don't believe me ask her Grandmas :)

Matt wasn't gone 10 minutes before he sent me this text: "Sorry for being negative, we should be happy she is here today" ... this made me cry because he is SO RIGHT! And not just for us, not just for Reagan, I think maybe we can all learn from the situation. Maybe we should all spend less time focusing on the negatives, and more time being happy and thankful for what we do have... because believe me, it can change in a heartbeat.

So there is a lot wrong with Reagan right now... she may look like it, but she is not just a tiny version of a full term baby, she is a premature baby with premature organs and a premature brain. As Dr. McElroy told us today, Reagan is going to have lung disease, she is going to go home on oxygen (now someday she may outgrow her need for it), but there will be repercussions from being born so prematurely. I'm not trying to be a downer, this is just reality for Reagan and for us.

Now here's where I'm going with all of this...I'm a big fan of inspirational quotes these days (wonder why) and I stumbled upon this one this morning and feel obliged to share it with all of you:

"God has perfect timing, never early, never late... Understanding takes a little patience, and a LOT of faith"

Now don't get me wrong, if I could I would trade everything I've ever had, everything I ever thought I wanted, and then rope the moon and all of the stars if I could just have carried Reagan to full term and given her a better, easier start to life, but apparently that wasn't the plan. It's not that I don't have faith in the doctors' abilities to help her grow and develop here in the hospital, I just wanted better for her than what she is currently faced with. An easier start than to have to fight so hard... BUT this quote reminded me of something Dr. McElroy said to me the third day Reagan was here:

"In many cases, it is more detrimental for a baby to stay in the womb with little fluid where it is at the mercy of nature than to be born into a world with modern medicine where we can control her surroundings and give her every possible medical advantage we know of."

Maybe Reagan wasn't 17 weeks early (clearly she was chronologically) but maybe she was right on time with God's intentions for her. So I'm going to choose to believe that option, maybe I am naive and maybe this is my coping mechanism, but I choose to believe that Reagan is EXACTLY where she needs to be right now.

Furthermore, what a miracle! To look at her tiny little face everyday, to watch her grow and develop, to see what we would not otherwise be able to see. Matt is right, we need to be grateful and happy and thankful for everyday we have Reagan. And for every milestone we get to observe.